WEDDING!!

I've been waiting and waiting to start planning my wedding and finally the time has come! I'm forcing the excitement inwards for now as I know i'm not getting married tomorrow but we've actually started planning =D.

I was never one of those girls who planned their wedding from the age of ten, because I never thought it would be happening yet. I hadn't even imagined my wedding much because I didn't dream there would be someone dumb enough to marry me! I've chosen the flowers, looked at dresses and shoes, looked at a grooms outfit for phil, priced up a cake that goes with the flowers, begun the horrible process that is the guest list and looked at honeymoons =D.

We have so much to do and i'm so excited.
xx

I am a size 6. I don't remember the last time I had to opt for a size 8, infact a few times i've gone and fetched a size 4.. so why don't I feel thin? I weigh just over 7 stone and have a 23 inch waist but I still feel that i'm not thin enough for people to say so to me. It's strange. I know it's because of my height and being small is a bitch. Because of my height, I don't look as thin as I am and I don't want to be unhealthy just to look thin. I've been through that and know how dangerous it is. I'd like to feel good about myself though, really good. Is that ever going to happen?

On the plus side, my brother may be coming to stay with me. I'm looking forward to it =].

x<3x

Mother's day?

Mothers's day. How many people must it hurt and upset?! I know it will never go away, it makes too much money for people, but when you think about how many people are somehow motherless, it doesn't seem fair.

Mother's day. What a headache. Times like this are always awkward. Until I left home just after i'd turned 18 to live with my boyfriend, i'd only hugged my mum once in my life - which was when she had to tell everyone that she had cancer, and even that was awkward. For most of my life I had the mentality that I didn't need parents or a family, and for most of it I didn't, so why is it that at the age of almost 20, I want one? I do have my fiance's family, who have taken me in and are a family to me, and for that i'll always be greatful. However, no matter how great they are, i'm still aware that they're not mine, and i'm not their daughter and i'll never feel completely part of a family until we have our own (which I can't wait for =)).

I got to see my grandparents though on Sunday, which always makes me smile. My grandma, a human version of Mrs Tiggywinkle, is adorable and seeing the glee on her face when I walk through the door makes me happy all the way from the inside out. My dog and cats also seem to have this effect!

I'm so much in love and don't know how the hell he puts up with me sometimes. The fact that he does makes me feel like we can get through anything (at least I know that I can with him beside me). I know that i'm not the girl he fell in love with right now, but i'm trying!!

x<3x

I wish I was born in the 60s!

The generation that i've become used to having to live with are rude, lazy and ignorant. There are some very nice considerate people also, but they are the minority. I am not proud to be part of society or of being British. I cannot stand lazy people. People who get the lift down 2 flights of stairs..and then complain about being fat. If they're happy with being fat and lazy then good on them, but if they're not and do things like getting taxis everywhere and never taking the stairs, getting hammered every night, then it's their own fault. Unless they are physically unable, in which case, I shall let them off. I wish I was born in the 60s, then I would be able to appreciate the 70s and would probably not have to put up with half as much shit. I think I should have been a 70s kid. Then i'd be able to party to T-Rex, The Sweet and ELO more than I already do. Bliss.

x<3x

I'm sat here freezing but he says it's hot so i'll cope. That's the sort of thing I do. So why now do I feel so worthless? I'm having one of those moments where I feel like i'm giving everything and not recieving enough back to make me feel appreciated. I think it's because I don't make it known that i'm sacrificing anything, so I shouldn't expect him to know really should I? Alas, I am a woman. There are a few things going through my mind that have hurt me, but I don't want to upset him by letting him know that he's hurt me. I'll probably forget soon so it's probably best this way. I know it'll be stored in a little file in my brain somewhere and i'll find it if he ever does anything else wrong so everything will come out in the end. God my blog is getting depressing. People will stop wanting to read it. Not that it's had many views, but still =p. On a lighter note, i'm going to try and run the half marathon in May for breast cancer. I hope I make it. I'm quite a good runner, but 13 miles is a lot. It's been a bit too cold to hardcore train so far so lets hope it warms up a bit. Though I don't think the world particualrly likes me, so it probably won't =].

It's half past two.. I should probably try and get some sleep. I feel like my mind is too full for sleep, but I think i'll give it a go.

Night xx

I miss you.

It's a year and a half today since he was taken away. This morning I lay curled up in a ball and cried. My body didn't feel like it was capeable of doing anything else. I can't get rid of the image of this one particular smile of his I remember. He passed the ball to me on a hot summers day and I whacked it past the goalie causing him to jump for joy and give me a huge high ten followed by our choreogrpahed celebration dance. I remember that smile, for I remember thinking that the sun had brought out his freckles and I noticed them when he smiled. It's not an image I hate, infact it's an image I love, but what I hate is that fact that i'm NEVER going to see his smile again and I think I would give almost anything for just one more smile. I hate to think that he's rotting in the ground. The image frequently haunts me. He was one of those people who made me who I am and it distresses me that I never told him. Now I don't get a chance and that hurts like hell. On the year anniversary, I stood infront of his grave, placed a single rose beside many others and asked him if he'd come and see me. Told him that I wouldn't be scared. I've only dreamt about him once. Maybe it's because my subcoscious mind kept a record of how deeply sad it made me feel when I woke up.


Last night he found his way into my dreams;
His touch felt so real.
I almost couldn’t stand just how beautiful he looked,
Just as I remembered,
With that smile that will live forever.
I woke,
And the moment slammed shut like a door.
I wish I could go back,
Breathe him in,
And never wake.
Did I dream because I miss you?
Or were you really there as I slept,
Telling me you miss me too?
I should be thankful for every day,
But dreaming is the only way I’ll see you,
And it hurts my every cell.
Though I can live in hope
That you’ll come and find me when my eyes are closed.
At least if I’m waiting to dream then I’m not waiting to die;
Just wishing I could sleep forever.




At this moment, I don't feel that i'll ever get over this. Ever since I was really young, i'd longed to have a male friend. I know this sounds strange but it seemed that the only people I really felt able to relate to were females. This even went as far as my relationship with my brother and father. C was the first boy that I felt safe talking to, the first boy I didn't feel was laughing at me. Our sense of humours slotted together perfectly, and I felt that I could talk to him about anything. He was the first boy whose house I visited, the first boy I was ever myself infront of, the first boy that gave me a real hug. You know, those hugs that seem to last forever, the ones that help. We had one of those connections that we rarely feel in this lifetime and now it's broken. It was something special, and I wish i'd told him how important he was to me. I know i'll miss him everyday for the rest of my life. I'm not ready to die yet, but it makes me less scared thinking of the people I may get to see again when the day comes. It's amazing how much one person can affect you. I would give almost anything to bring him back, but I have him to thank for me and the love of my life being together now. He was the only one who would listen to me, everyone else just assuming I was drunk again. Ask why I was drunk all the time did you? No, but you laughed at the state I was in by the end of the night! However, there was someone who saw my pain, someone who cared why I was crying even if I was drunk and i'll love him for the rest of my life. Thank you <3.

My brother.

I feel like I have a lot so say since my last blog. However, I shall take time to mull it over before making the mistake of writing it down.

Delight is performing with my brother. Delight is the way our voices fit togethr perfectly in harmony. I once performed with 90 of the most talented people i've ever met, but nothing will ever compare to performing with him. Delight is when we end the song and I see my grandma crying, or that one time my parents said they were proud of me. Those are the moments that keep me going.

On the night of my 18th birthday, we stayed up singing in the moonlight until 4am. Most of my friends on their 18ths would probably have been passed out on the floor at this point after a wild night out, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. He's always there when I need to escape the world, enter our own and jam in his room, and that was one of the things that kept me from falling over the edge.

Whether we started playing together at a young age or whether we were encouraged to, I don't know. We've become used to being told to shut up whenever the TV is required, and hardly ever get any praise from our parents. What I do know is that as we have grown, so has the passion for our music, and I never feel so happy as when my brother is singing next to me, seeing the passion that is not for me, but for the music we're creating, and that is delight.




Now I no longer live "at home", I do miss him a lot. Sometimes my voice and keyboard seem so lonely, as if they are longing for that second voice and soft strumming of a guitar to make them feel complete, but I guess that it makes it that much better when they are reunited.