The generation that i've become used to having to live with are rude, lazy and ignorant. There are some very nice considerate people also, but they are the minority. I am not proud to be part of society or of being British. I cannot stand lazy people. People who get the lift down 2 flights of stairs..and then complain about being fat. If they're happy with being fat and lazy then good on them, but if they're not and do things like getting taxis everywhere and never taking the stairs, getting hammered every night, then it's their own fault. Unless they are physically unable, in which case, I shall let them off. I wish I was born in the 60s, then I would be able to appreciate the 70s and would probably not have to put up with half as much shit. I think I should have been a 70s kid. Then i'd be able to party to T-Rex, The Sweet and ELO more than I already do. Bliss.
x<3x
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Sunday, 24 February 2008
I'm sat here freezing but he says it's hot so i'll cope. That's the sort of thing I do. So why now do I feel so worthless? I'm having one of those moments where I feel like i'm giving everything and not recieving enough back to make me feel appreciated. I think it's because I don't make it known that i'm sacrificing anything, so I shouldn't expect him to know really should I? Alas, I am a woman. There are a few things going through my mind that have hurt me, but I don't want to upset him by letting him know that he's hurt me. I'll probably forget soon so it's probably best this way. I know it'll be stored in a little file in my brain somewhere and i'll find it if he ever does anything else wrong so everything will come out in the end. God my blog is getting depressing. People will stop wanting to read it. Not that it's had many views, but still =p. On a lighter note, i'm going to try and run the half marathon in May for breast cancer. I hope I make it. I'm quite a good runner, but 13 miles is a lot. It's been a bit too cold to hardcore train so far so lets hope it warms up a bit. Though I don't think the world particualrly likes me, so it probably won't =].
It's half past two.. I should probably try and get some sleep. I feel like my mind is too full for sleep, but I think i'll give it a go.
Night xx
It's half past two.. I should probably try and get some sleep. I feel like my mind is too full for sleep, but I think i'll give it a go.
Night xx
Friday, 22 February 2008
I miss you.
It's a year and a half today since he was taken away. This morning I lay curled up in a ball and cried. My body didn't feel like it was capeable of doing anything else. I can't get rid of the image of this one particular smile of his I remember. He passed the ball to me on a hot summers day and I whacked it past the goalie causing him to jump for joy and give me a huge high ten followed by our choreogrpahed celebration dance. I remember that smile, for I remember thinking that the sun had brought out his freckles and I noticed them when he smiled. It's not an image I hate, infact it's an image I love, but what I hate is that fact that i'm NEVER going to see his smile again and I think I would give almost anything for just one more smile. I hate to think that he's rotting in the ground. The image frequently haunts me. He was one of those people who made me who I am and it distresses me that I never told him. Now I don't get a chance and that hurts like hell. On the year anniversary, I stood infront of his grave, placed a single rose beside many others and asked him if he'd come and see me. Told him that I wouldn't be scared. I've only dreamt about him once. Maybe it's because my subcoscious mind kept a record of how deeply sad it made me feel when I woke up.
Last night he found his way into my dreams;
His touch felt so real.
I almost couldn’t stand just how beautiful he looked,
Just as I remembered,
With that smile that will live forever.
I woke,
And the moment slammed shut like a door.
I wish I could go back,
Breathe him in,
And never wake.
Did I dream because I miss you?
Or were you really there as I slept,
Telling me you miss me too?
I should be thankful for every day,
But dreaming is the only way I’ll see you,
And it hurts my every cell.
Though I can live in hope
That you’ll come and find me when my eyes are closed.
At least if I’m waiting to dream then I’m not waiting to die;
Just wishing I could sleep forever.
At this moment, I don't feel that i'll ever get over this. Ever since I was really young, i'd longed to have a male friend. I know this sounds strange but it seemed that the only people I really felt able to relate to were females. This even went as far as my relationship with my brother and father. C was the first boy that I felt safe talking to, the first boy I didn't feel was laughing at me. Our sense of humours slotted together perfectly, and I felt that I could talk to him about anything. He was the first boy whose house I visited, the first boy I was ever myself infront of, the first boy that gave me a real hug. You know, those hugs that seem to last forever, the ones that help. We had one of those connections that we rarely feel in this lifetime and now it's broken. It was something special, and I wish i'd told him how important he was to me. I know i'll miss him everyday for the rest of my life. I'm not ready to die yet, but it makes me less scared thinking of the people I may get to see again when the day comes. It's amazing how much one person can affect you. I would give almost anything to bring him back, but I have him to thank for me and the love of my life being together now. He was the only one who would listen to me, everyone else just assuming I was drunk again. Ask why I was drunk all the time did you? No, but you laughed at the state I was in by the end of the night! However, there was someone who saw my pain, someone who cared why I was crying even if I was drunk and i'll love him for the rest of my life. Thank you <3.
Last night he found his way into my dreams;
His touch felt so real.
I almost couldn’t stand just how beautiful he looked,
Just as I remembered,
With that smile that will live forever.
I woke,
And the moment slammed shut like a door.
I wish I could go back,
Breathe him in,
And never wake.
Did I dream because I miss you?
Or were you really there as I slept,
Telling me you miss me too?
I should be thankful for every day,
But dreaming is the only way I’ll see you,
And it hurts my every cell.
Though I can live in hope
That you’ll come and find me when my eyes are closed.
At least if I’m waiting to dream then I’m not waiting to die;
Just wishing I could sleep forever.
At this moment, I don't feel that i'll ever get over this. Ever since I was really young, i'd longed to have a male friend. I know this sounds strange but it seemed that the only people I really felt able to relate to were females. This even went as far as my relationship with my brother and father. C was the first boy that I felt safe talking to, the first boy I didn't feel was laughing at me. Our sense of humours slotted together perfectly, and I felt that I could talk to him about anything. He was the first boy whose house I visited, the first boy I was ever myself infront of, the first boy that gave me a real hug. You know, those hugs that seem to last forever, the ones that help. We had one of those connections that we rarely feel in this lifetime and now it's broken. It was something special, and I wish i'd told him how important he was to me. I know i'll miss him everyday for the rest of my life. I'm not ready to die yet, but it makes me less scared thinking of the people I may get to see again when the day comes. It's amazing how much one person can affect you. I would give almost anything to bring him back, but I have him to thank for me and the love of my life being together now. He was the only one who would listen to me, everyone else just assuming I was drunk again. Ask why I was drunk all the time did you? No, but you laughed at the state I was in by the end of the night! However, there was someone who saw my pain, someone who cared why I was crying even if I was drunk and i'll love him for the rest of my life. Thank you <3.
Thursday, 21 February 2008
My brother.
I feel like I have a lot so say since my last blog. However, I shall take time to mull it over before making the mistake of writing it down.
Delight is performing with my brother. Delight is the way our voices fit togethr perfectly in harmony. I once performed with 90 of the most talented people i've ever met, but nothing will ever compare to performing with him. Delight is when we end the song and I see my grandma crying, or that one time my parents said they were proud of me. Those are the moments that keep me going.
On the night of my 18th birthday, we stayed up singing in the moonlight until 4am. Most of my friends on their 18ths would probably have been passed out on the floor at this point after a wild night out, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. He's always there when I need to escape the world, enter our own and jam in his room, and that was one of the things that kept me from falling over the edge.
Whether we started playing together at a young age or whether we were encouraged to, I don't know. We've become used to being told to shut up whenever the TV is required, and hardly ever get any praise from our parents. What I do know is that as we have grown, so has the passion for our music, and I never feel so happy as when my brother is singing next to me, seeing the passion that is not for me, but for the music we're creating, and that is delight.
Now I no longer live "at home", I do miss him a lot. Sometimes my voice and keyboard seem so lonely, as if they are longing for that second voice and soft strumming of a guitar to make them feel complete, but I guess that it makes it that much better when they are reunited.
Delight is performing with my brother. Delight is the way our voices fit togethr perfectly in harmony. I once performed with 90 of the most talented people i've ever met, but nothing will ever compare to performing with him. Delight is when we end the song and I see my grandma crying, or that one time my parents said they were proud of me. Those are the moments that keep me going.
On the night of my 18th birthday, we stayed up singing in the moonlight until 4am. Most of my friends on their 18ths would probably have been passed out on the floor at this point after a wild night out, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. He's always there when I need to escape the world, enter our own and jam in his room, and that was one of the things that kept me from falling over the edge.
Whether we started playing together at a young age or whether we were encouraged to, I don't know. We've become used to being told to shut up whenever the TV is required, and hardly ever get any praise from our parents. What I do know is that as we have grown, so has the passion for our music, and I never feel so happy as when my brother is singing next to me, seeing the passion that is not for me, but for the music we're creating, and that is delight.
Now I no longer live "at home", I do miss him a lot. Sometimes my voice and keyboard seem so lonely, as if they are longing for that second voice and soft strumming of a guitar to make them feel complete, but I guess that it makes it that much better when they are reunited.
Monday, 18 February 2008
The general public suck.
I fell over today. Not just a trip, but a fully fledged fall. Flat on my face, bags everywhere, arms and legs sprawled embarassingly across the floor. It was one of those things where it took me by so much shock that it took me a few seconds longer than it should have to realise what had happened. Just to add to my embarassment, not one person stopped to help me. I'd actually quite hurt my knee and head and found it a bit hard to stand straight away, yet people continued to walk past ignoring the tragedy that was me. I was shocked. If someone had fallen over like that near me, i'd at least check if they were okay. I had already come to realise that a large percentage of the world don't give a shit, but I was obviously quite hurt. If an old lady had fallen over, would they have helped her? Probably. I'm young though so I must be okay, or not worth helping, right? Maybe I shouldn't hold doors open for people I don't know anymore. No-one seems to do it for me! I can't believe how rude and obnoxious the general public have become. I sometimes wish I was born decades ago, but then i'd have to sacrifice my rights as a woman. I can't win!
Sunday, 17 February 2008
A fantastic few days.
This is a good place to start my blog as i've had an amazing consecutive set of days. I like starting on a high. Don't get me wrong, my week has been far from flawless. As usual, someone up there had decided to personally victimise me, but I stuck my fingers up to them and decided to enjoy myself regardless!
This weekend just happened to be Valentines day combined with a celebration of a year together for me and my fiance! Celebrating valentine's day is not something I would ever choose to do, even if I do have a solid relationship that will be there for the rest of my life. I love my man 365 days of the year and tell him so every day. I think the sentiment is nice if one needs a reason to tell of their undying love for someone but I do it every day and the day doesn't hold a special sentiment to us. However, we did conform and get eachother cards just because we thought it would be nice =].
Our valentine's night was spent with a movie romantic curry night which we'd made ourselves (well we stuck it in the microwave), and I had got a nice valentine's surprise under my clothes which he seemed to like a lot! However, it was the next day that needed celebrating!
February 15th 2007. Our one year anniversary. I'd spent so long worrying about what to write, about what to say. So much had happened in that year that I didn't feel like I could cram it into anything I could say or write. I decided therefore to just write about how strongly I feel about the man who saved my life and the year that he'd made wonderful. I know that without him i'd still be fat and depressed so I have a lot to be thankful for =p.
We decided that we'd inject a bit of culture into our day so thought we would make an effort and go to the museum. I'd always walked past the museum on the way to the train station but never ventured inside. Unfortuately, it had turned out to be on of the coldest days i'd experienced this year and being a tiny 7stone 4, I felt the cold intensely. Especially in the short dress i'd been anticipating wearing for weeks! To add to this, my suspender belt broke revealing the tops of my stockings. I felt rude stepping into the museum as I felt a tad whorish so had to remove my stockings, revealing my bruised legs and making my temperature srop even more. Forcing back the tears, I tried to remain positive as I didn't want to ruin the day i'd been waiting for for ages.
Thank god I managed to buy some tights, wipe away my tears and pull myself together. Call me melodramatic if you like but I am a woman and melodrama is expected yes?
After the museum and our dip into culture, we decided to get a few drinks before heading off to the italian where we had a table booked. The warmth smacked me in the face as I walked in, making me breathe a sigh of relief. I simply cannot stand the cold in any circumstances. To me, there aren't many things that could ruin my day more. I can't concentrate, function or so anything besides shiver. I may even cry. So walking into this warm pub was just what I needed to calm myself down and perusade myself that I was going to have a good night. Well, I knew that I would always have his arms around me if I did feel the temperature and I thank the heavens for having him by my side so I knew that it could never be that tragic! I was celebrating a year with someone amazing. I can't contain in a sentence just how much I love him or how amazing it feels when i'm with him. I don't know how some people survive their whole lives without ever feeling this.
We finished our meals (which were very nice!) and then got a taxi home (due to the ridiculous damn English weather)! I felt like a bit of a hypocrite getting a taxi as I would usually call people who get taxis lazy as that is usually the case. However, I felt that I might get pneumonia if I had to walk home! We then went back to his to exchange cards and presents. We had decided to make our own cards as all of the anniversary cards are labelled with "Husband" or "Wife". Plus, it was much more personal this way. My card looked like it had been made by a 5 year old. I had actually spent a lot of time cutting out letters and sticking them on and adding various illustrations but it really did look like a child's attempt. I did however think a lot about the words wrote on the inside of the card. Thinking about the most amazing year of my life and how much I felt (and how I never knew this was possible) moved me to tears and having worried about not knowing what to write seemed stupid as the words just poured out and made him emotional too as he was reading them.
The card he made for me was adorable. He'd drawn a perfectly formed heart on the outside and things he loved about me on the inside. We decided that we'd make cards for eachother every year and I can't wait until we have a fabulous collection =].
We then exchanged presents. He'd got me a Watersone's card which I was thrilled with as getting new books excites me greatly (reading being one of my favourite past times). I love being able to fall into someone elses world every now and again. Although it has to capture me quickly or i'll move onto another book. Metaphor for my personality? It's a possibility.
I'd made him what was essentially "A year in the life of us". I'd collected all of the photos that had been taken in the past year and put them all ina photo album with a poem, comments and more of my childish illustrations. I had a lot of fun making and there are spaces left so i'm not done yet!
So all in all, a fantastic weekend spent with the love of my life. Despite my headache, I feel unbelievably great right now. Please don't ruin it for me.
xpinkmoonlightx
This weekend just happened to be Valentines day combined with a celebration of a year together for me and my fiance! Celebrating valentine's day is not something I would ever choose to do, even if I do have a solid relationship that will be there for the rest of my life. I love my man 365 days of the year and tell him so every day. I think the sentiment is nice if one needs a reason to tell of their undying love for someone but I do it every day and the day doesn't hold a special sentiment to us. However, we did conform and get eachother cards just because we thought it would be nice =].
Our valentine's night was spent with a movie romantic curry night which we'd made ourselves (well we stuck it in the microwave), and I had got a nice valentine's surprise under my clothes which he seemed to like a lot! However, it was the next day that needed celebrating!
February 15th 2007. Our one year anniversary. I'd spent so long worrying about what to write, about what to say. So much had happened in that year that I didn't feel like I could cram it into anything I could say or write. I decided therefore to just write about how strongly I feel about the man who saved my life and the year that he'd made wonderful. I know that without him i'd still be fat and depressed so I have a lot to be thankful for =p.
We decided that we'd inject a bit of culture into our day so thought we would make an effort and go to the museum. I'd always walked past the museum on the way to the train station but never ventured inside. Unfortuately, it had turned out to be on of the coldest days i'd experienced this year and being a tiny 7stone 4, I felt the cold intensely. Especially in the short dress i'd been anticipating wearing for weeks! To add to this, my suspender belt broke revealing the tops of my stockings. I felt rude stepping into the museum as I felt a tad whorish so had to remove my stockings, revealing my bruised legs and making my temperature srop even more. Forcing back the tears, I tried to remain positive as I didn't want to ruin the day i'd been waiting for for ages.
Thank god I managed to buy some tights, wipe away my tears and pull myself together. Call me melodramatic if you like but I am a woman and melodrama is expected yes?
After the museum and our dip into culture, we decided to get a few drinks before heading off to the italian where we had a table booked. The warmth smacked me in the face as I walked in, making me breathe a sigh of relief. I simply cannot stand the cold in any circumstances. To me, there aren't many things that could ruin my day more. I can't concentrate, function or so anything besides shiver. I may even cry. So walking into this warm pub was just what I needed to calm myself down and perusade myself that I was going to have a good night. Well, I knew that I would always have his arms around me if I did feel the temperature and I thank the heavens for having him by my side so I knew that it could never be that tragic! I was celebrating a year with someone amazing. I can't contain in a sentence just how much I love him or how amazing it feels when i'm with him. I don't know how some people survive their whole lives without ever feeling this.
We finished our meals (which were very nice!) and then got a taxi home (due to the ridiculous damn English weather)! I felt like a bit of a hypocrite getting a taxi as I would usually call people who get taxis lazy as that is usually the case. However, I felt that I might get pneumonia if I had to walk home! We then went back to his to exchange cards and presents. We had decided to make our own cards as all of the anniversary cards are labelled with "Husband" or "Wife". Plus, it was much more personal this way. My card looked like it had been made by a 5 year old. I had actually spent a lot of time cutting out letters and sticking them on and adding various illustrations but it really did look like a child's attempt. I did however think a lot about the words wrote on the inside of the card. Thinking about the most amazing year of my life and how much I felt (and how I never knew this was possible) moved me to tears and having worried about not knowing what to write seemed stupid as the words just poured out and made him emotional too as he was reading them.
The card he made for me was adorable. He'd drawn a perfectly formed heart on the outside and things he loved about me on the inside. We decided that we'd make cards for eachother every year and I can't wait until we have a fabulous collection =].
We then exchanged presents. He'd got me a Watersone's card which I was thrilled with as getting new books excites me greatly (reading being one of my favourite past times). I love being able to fall into someone elses world every now and again. Although it has to capture me quickly or i'll move onto another book. Metaphor for my personality? It's a possibility.
I'd made him what was essentially "A year in the life of us". I'd collected all of the photos that had been taken in the past year and put them all ina photo album with a poem, comments and more of my childish illustrations. I had a lot of fun making and there are spaces left so i'm not done yet!
So all in all, a fantastic weekend spent with the love of my life. Despite my headache, I feel unbelievably great right now. Please don't ruin it for me.
xpinkmoonlightx
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