I miss you.

It's a year and a half today since he was taken away. This morning I lay curled up in a ball and cried. My body didn't feel like it was capeable of doing anything else. I can't get rid of the image of this one particular smile of his I remember. He passed the ball to me on a hot summers day and I whacked it past the goalie causing him to jump for joy and give me a huge high ten followed by our choreogrpahed celebration dance. I remember that smile, for I remember thinking that the sun had brought out his freckles and I noticed them when he smiled. It's not an image I hate, infact it's an image I love, but what I hate is that fact that i'm NEVER going to see his smile again and I think I would give almost anything for just one more smile. I hate to think that he's rotting in the ground. The image frequently haunts me. He was one of those people who made me who I am and it distresses me that I never told him. Now I don't get a chance and that hurts like hell. On the year anniversary, I stood infront of his grave, placed a single rose beside many others and asked him if he'd come and see me. Told him that I wouldn't be scared. I've only dreamt about him once. Maybe it's because my subcoscious mind kept a record of how deeply sad it made me feel when I woke up.


Last night he found his way into my dreams;
His touch felt so real.
I almost couldn’t stand just how beautiful he looked,
Just as I remembered,
With that smile that will live forever.
I woke,
And the moment slammed shut like a door.
I wish I could go back,
Breathe him in,
And never wake.
Did I dream because I miss you?
Or were you really there as I slept,
Telling me you miss me too?
I should be thankful for every day,
But dreaming is the only way I’ll see you,
And it hurts my every cell.
Though I can live in hope
That you’ll come and find me when my eyes are closed.
At least if I’m waiting to dream then I’m not waiting to die;
Just wishing I could sleep forever.




At this moment, I don't feel that i'll ever get over this. Ever since I was really young, i'd longed to have a male friend. I know this sounds strange but it seemed that the only people I really felt able to relate to were females. This even went as far as my relationship with my brother and father. C was the first boy that I felt safe talking to, the first boy I didn't feel was laughing at me. Our sense of humours slotted together perfectly, and I felt that I could talk to him about anything. He was the first boy whose house I visited, the first boy I was ever myself infront of, the first boy that gave me a real hug. You know, those hugs that seem to last forever, the ones that help. We had one of those connections that we rarely feel in this lifetime and now it's broken. It was something special, and I wish i'd told him how important he was to me. I know i'll miss him everyday for the rest of my life. I'm not ready to die yet, but it makes me less scared thinking of the people I may get to see again when the day comes. It's amazing how much one person can affect you. I would give almost anything to bring him back, but I have him to thank for me and the love of my life being together now. He was the only one who would listen to me, everyone else just assuming I was drunk again. Ask why I was drunk all the time did you? No, but you laughed at the state I was in by the end of the night! However, there was someone who saw my pain, someone who cared why I was crying even if I was drunk and i'll love him for the rest of my life. Thank you <3.